I'm falling back into my old routines. This is of course, without the gambling. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I mean it leads me to find there's time in my day left empty. Phases and segments that I'd have spent engrossed in horses or online card games that I'm now left without anything to do but think.
I'm worried more so because it seems gambling was one of my few enjoyed hobbies... I mean I love Dodgeball, and enjoy playing the xbox. I even like to cook once in a blue moon or mess around with the interwebs. But I can't do any of those things for the same amount of time as I can place wagers or bets. Not drinking is making it harder too I believe. I don't even get the minor social experience that would afford me.
So I think I'm going to take back the drinking. I'm by no means an alcoholic so I don't think it's so bad. I just need to make sure I don't slip further down the rabbit hole.
I've wanted to play lotto for some time now. I wonder what that means.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Day 8: Lethargy
I'm not feeling good today. The world's spinning slowly, and things just don't seem to ease off of me. All these worries and problems of mine seem to be amplified. As if they were all just piled up waiting for one tiny stone to rattle them all loose.
I'm guessing most of these problems are of my own creation, but that's something I don't normally ponder. See around this time of day I'd be sitting here watching TVG, and rooting for whatever horse I'd put my money on. I'd be distracting myself with the prospect of a pick six or pick 3 coming in to give me a pay day to make sure my next trip to Vegas was funded.
It's almost embarrassing to see how much of a gambler I am. When I'm reminiscing on the times I was so free to do it like most people would over a first love.
PS blogger wouldn't let me publish the post so I posted it through today. it was originally written at around 3 PM yesterday.
The fact I've been able to stop myself is testament enough to me anyway to prove I'm not as addicted as I once so vigorously thought.
But that doesn't mean I don't love gambling the way a painter loves to paint.
I'm guessing most of these problems are of my own creation, but that's something I don't normally ponder. See around this time of day I'd be sitting here watching TVG, and rooting for whatever horse I'd put my money on. I'd be distracting myself with the prospect of a pick six or pick 3 coming in to give me a pay day to make sure my next trip to Vegas was funded.
It's almost embarrassing to see how much of a gambler I am. When I'm reminiscing on the times I was so free to do it like most people would over a first love.
PS blogger wouldn't let me publish the post so I posted it through today. it was originally written at around 3 PM yesterday.
The fact I've been able to stop myself is testament enough to me anyway to prove I'm not as addicted as I once so vigorously thought.
But that doesn't mean I don't love gambling the way a painter loves to paint.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Day 7: Pre-occupation
It's extremely hard to consult my feelings. Helping friends and such... So today's been seriously dead on the gambling front. My friend did put some money on xpressbets.com and lost it all... But during it all I didn't do anything other then advise him to stop.
So yeah... Gambling 1 Me 2.
Boo-Yah
So yeah... Gambling 1 Me 2.
Boo-Yah
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Day 6: Hunger
So today has been pretty slow. I've not done much of anything, but have been hungry all day. I had an odd dream about being in a marathon... And my body is still sore so it's kinda odd.
I did think pretty heavily on purchasing a scratch card or two... But it wasn't as hard to turn that thought away as it had been in previous days... Still I find myself longing for one big win... Trying to justify it with thoughts of things like, "Well if I win one big prize I'll prove giving up on this isn't the most intelligent thing."
It's stupid thoughts like that, that fuck me over. A lose, lose situation of sorts... Luckily I've got the upper hand on it...
Here's to hopping it stays that way.
I did think pretty heavily on purchasing a scratch card or two... But it wasn't as hard to turn that thought away as it had been in previous days... Still I find myself longing for one big win... Trying to justify it with thoughts of things like, "Well if I win one big prize I'll prove giving up on this isn't the most intelligent thing."
It's stupid thoughts like that, that fuck me over. A lose, lose situation of sorts... Luckily I've got the upper hand on it...
Here's to hopping it stays that way.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Day 5: Indifference
Today has been decent. There was no real anxiety over my life's stresses. I got to sleep in (Even when I had something to do this morning) til noon. I feel generally okay today.
Still I know that will probably change as putting off the many tasks before me will mean I have to try and rush to complete them later on. I guess it could always be worse. And for that alone I'm pretty thankful it isn't. I am going to have to spend over a hundred dollars today and I find myself hoping something comes along to change that fact.
Realistically it wont happen, but I'm trying to be hopeful to save myself from being upset over it.
I'm also super sore and exhausted physically due to taking two Hydroxicut and my extensive exercise yesterday. So it could be that I'm actually just to burned out to be upset or long for gambling. I still find myself more drawn to gambling tip pages and the like... Though I'm not sure it hurts me to read over such articles as I'm not really using what I'm reading currently.
Other then that... Even after my relapse... Things are improving. I just hope this time I can go longer without slipping and falling back into my habit.
Still I know that will probably change as putting off the many tasks before me will mean I have to try and rush to complete them later on. I guess it could always be worse. And for that alone I'm pretty thankful it isn't. I am going to have to spend over a hundred dollars today and I find myself hoping something comes along to change that fact.
Realistically it wont happen, but I'm trying to be hopeful to save myself from being upset over it.
I'm also super sore and exhausted physically due to taking two Hydroxicut and my extensive exercise yesterday. So it could be that I'm actually just to burned out to be upset or long for gambling. I still find myself more drawn to gambling tip pages and the like... Though I'm not sure it hurts me to read over such articles as I'm not really using what I'm reading currently.
Other then that... Even after my relapse... Things are improving. I just hope this time I can go longer without slipping and falling back into my habit.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Day 4: Relapse
So today I went for breakfast... And as if by some hand of fate the destination was the Clocker's Corner at Santa Anita.
Seriously it is almost as bad as having been offered a free gambling trip to Vegas. Fate threw before me a road block. It'd been proposed the night before and I'd contemplated on it. And I felt for the first time since my trial began... Levity.
As if some weight had been lifted. Almost like the pressure to keep to it myself had been taken away. Here was an opportunity. To either prove I was more then capable or to relapse and fall into the trend my cruel addiction has slammed me with. And while I thought I went back to the drawing board. Where was the line? What were my rules? All the typical questions an addict would ask themselves to try and justify their future decisions.
It's human nature. I get that much. And when I went, I did put a wager down on a horse or two. I failed. Faltered and slipped.
Even though the amount was paltry in comparison to what I normally gamble with. The $20 was still something I should have been stronger for. And while I know I should accept failure. In the recesses of my mind I'm not worried. I understand this trial for abstinence (A late sort of offering of one of the things I enjoy for lent) is only worth as much as I put into it. I fell this once.
And I wont fall again. I'm sorry for failing myself. But these trials aren't expected to be perfect all the time are they? I at least have found some form of resolution. I see how weak I am, and I finally get... Quitting isn't just about posting it somewhere. Or writing about it. It's about the promise we've made to ourselves. And I think I can forgive myself for this blunder.
On a side note. I'm no longer feeling the depression that's been raking me for days. After a day of dodgeball and some exercise I feel invigorated (And sore.).
I'm going to eat a nice dinner, check off the things I've managed today from my daily checklist. Which by the way I'm still keeping well too... And I'll resume this test of mine tomorrow.
Seriously it is almost as bad as having been offered a free gambling trip to Vegas. Fate threw before me a road block. It'd been proposed the night before and I'd contemplated on it. And I felt for the first time since my trial began... Levity.
As if some weight had been lifted. Almost like the pressure to keep to it myself had been taken away. Here was an opportunity. To either prove I was more then capable or to relapse and fall into the trend my cruel addiction has slammed me with. And while I thought I went back to the drawing board. Where was the line? What were my rules? All the typical questions an addict would ask themselves to try and justify their future decisions.
It's human nature. I get that much. And when I went, I did put a wager down on a horse or two. I failed. Faltered and slipped.
Even though the amount was paltry in comparison to what I normally gamble with. The $20 was still something I should have been stronger for. And while I know I should accept failure. In the recesses of my mind I'm not worried. I understand this trial for abstinence (A late sort of offering of one of the things I enjoy for lent) is only worth as much as I put into it. I fell this once.
And I wont fall again. I'm sorry for failing myself. But these trials aren't expected to be perfect all the time are they? I at least have found some form of resolution. I see how weak I am, and I finally get... Quitting isn't just about posting it somewhere. Or writing about it. It's about the promise we've made to ourselves. And I think I can forgive myself for this blunder.
On a side note. I'm no longer feeling the depression that's been raking me for days. After a day of dodgeball and some exercise I feel invigorated (And sore.).
I'm going to eat a nice dinner, check off the things I've managed today from my daily checklist. Which by the way I'm still keeping well too... And I'll resume this test of mine tomorrow.
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