Alright so today has been excruciating... I've been more depressed (And stressed) about my life then I ever have before. I almost logged onto my horse wagering account (To the idea I might make a small fortune off some sort of luck.) but stopped... I'd made a check list of things to do last night. Things I'd not normally ever do but procrastinate over.
The scary thing is I did them all. I am almost 100% sure I didn't do them with the typical meticulous detail I generally dedicate to my tasks... But I have been more productive today then I usually ever am.
I want to believe it's a side effect of no longer gambling. But then I'm led to a difficult cross-roads. Is being productive worth being so miserably depressed?
I'm stressed over quite literally everything. From friends, to family, to work, to even play. It's almost like Gambling was a distraction.
A distraction from the very complexity of life. The weighty decisions that I am so fearful to make. The heavy consequences of my blunders.
How could something as simple as cheering on a pony actually bring me such a feeling of levity? And even more potent is this,
Why the hell do I want to do it so bad?
Either way I haven't. And I'm not going too. I've got a few more things to do today. I just hope this depression wears off.
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