Day 4: Relapse

So today I went for breakfast... And as if by some hand of fate the destination was the Clocker's Corner at Santa Anita.

Seriously it is almost as bad as having been offered a free gambling trip to Vegas. Fate threw before me a road block. It'd been proposed the night before and I'd contemplated on it. And I felt for the first time since my trial began... Levity.

As if some weight had been lifted. Almost like the pressure to keep to it myself had been taken away. Here was an opportunity. To either prove I was more then capable or to relapse and fall into the trend my cruel addiction has slammed me with. And while I thought I went back to the drawing board. Where was the line? What were my rules? All the typical questions an addict would ask themselves to try and justify their future decisions.

It's human nature. I get that much. And when I went, I did put a wager down on a horse or two. I failed. Faltered and slipped.

Even though the amount was paltry in comparison to what I normally gamble with. The $20 was still something I should have been stronger for. And while I know I should accept failure. In the recesses of my mind I'm not worried. I understand this trial for abstinence (A late sort of offering of one of the things I enjoy for lent) is only worth as much as I put into it. I fell this once.

And I wont fall again. I'm sorry for failing myself. But these trials aren't expected to be perfect all the time are they? I at least have found some form of resolution. I see how weak I am, and I finally get... Quitting isn't just about posting it somewhere. Or writing about it. It's about the promise we've made to ourselves. And I think I can forgive myself for this blunder.


On a side note. I'm no longer feeling the depression that's been raking me for days. After a day of dodgeball and some exercise I feel invigorated (And sore.).

I'm going to eat a nice dinner, check off the things I've managed today from my daily checklist. Which by the way I'm still keeping well too... And I'll resume this test of mine tomorrow.